Mealsized Blog:

Does this feel familiar?

Are you speaking different languages or feeling unheard?

You don’t have to feel alone, isoated, or unsupported in your relationship.

Your relationship is a story that is still being written, and you have the power to shape its next chapters. Take a look and see if the ideas and resources in this blog help you out.

Communication

Resources and Ideas

What if you want to reach out, but something keeps you apart, or you both feel unheard and misunderstood. Here are some resources and ideas to help you build a bridge accross that divide, to get the understanding and emotional connection that you want:

The "Four Horsemen" of Relationship Apocalypse: Learn to recognize and practise positive alternatives to the harmful communication patterns identified by Gottman: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If this is happening, stop and take a breath, come back to the conversation later. Or you can find out more about Gottman’s four horseman, and how to do something different.
Love Languages: Love can be expressed in different ways: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, physical touch, acts of service. It’s normal to seek the love language that you prefer. If two people have different love languages, it’s normal to feel like there is emotional distance, or that you aren’t cared for or valued.
Communication Differences: Hold in mind that your culture, physical and psychological gender, sexuality, neurotype, and the many other aspects that make each of us the person that we are, and can shape how we make meaning and how we communicate. Look to learn, and understand, where the other person is coming from. So you both feel valued in your relationship.
Master the Art of the "Gentle Startup": Initiate difficult conversations by focusing on your feelings using "I" statements and clearly expressing a positive need, rather than blaming or attacking. And a ‘talking stick’ is a great tool to help couples take turns, and both feel heard.
Cultivate a Culture of Appreciation: Intentionally remind yourselves of your partner's positive qualities and actively express gratitude for their positive actions. This builds a foundation of respect and admiration.
Practice Taking Responsibility: When conflict arises, focus on accepting your partner's perspective and offering genuine apologies for any wrongdoing, rather than becoming defensive or shifting blame.

What if you need more?

If it still feels like something is in the way, some barrier or obstacle, couples therapy can offer the support you need. Defenses are usually there because they were ways of coping or surviving in the past. So, whatever barrier or obstacle those defenses present now, they are just doing what they had to learn in the past to try to keep you safe.

With that in mind, how would you feel if you were scared and someone told you to stop doing what you felt you needed to feel safe? I would rather you felt safe enough to feel free to choose something different.

Barriers and obstacles are overcome, and meaningful change is made, when:

The trauma and experiences of the past feel understood,
They know that they are part of and protected by the rest of you, and
Those past experiences are processed so that they are felt and remembered as past memories. Freeing you to be in the relationship that you want.

A trauma trained and neurodiversity-affirming couples therapist can offer the help that is needed to understand and heal the past experiences and communication differences that underpin defensive behaviour in your relationship. Taking that first step towards support can feel significant, and it’s a powerful investment in the relationship you want.

You are welcome to get in touch and book an free 30min intial consultation to learn more.

You can discover the right path for you.